In a world where we celebrate the bare minimum, our self-proclaimed “Saint Fentanyl” is marking five years of sobriety with a parade of questionable accolades. Once notorious for a laundry list of bad decisions. Think of pointing a gun at a pregnant woman’s stomach during a robbery gone wrong. This beacon of redemption is now being hailed as a “changed man.” Because nothing says “I’ve turned my life around” like not committing felonies for half a decade, right? Attendees nodded solemnly, as a speaker discussed how surviving five years without a relapse or a rap sheet deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. Though tragically, Saint Fentanyl passed away before this milestone, leaving us to imagine his redemption arc.
The event wasn’t without its spectacle. A local pastor showed up to bless the memory of Saint Fentanyl, sprinkling holy water while muttering something about “second chances.” Meanwhile, the neighborhood kids ran around with paper halos taped to their heads, chanting “Saint Fentanyl saves!” This slogan was clearly made up on the spot, but it offers a genuine glimpse into the thoughts and prayers people have at the moment. A few skeptical onlookers whispered about the irony of it all, pointing out that sobriety doesn’t erase a rap sheet, nor does it make you Mother Teresa. Still, the block party raged on with a potluck featuring Saint Fentanyl’s rumored favorite sober snack: ketamine chips. It was a bittersweet celebration, honoring a man who struggled with addiction and lost his life in a tragic overdose.
If you thought the celebration was over the top, wait until you hear about the commemorative merch. Local vendors hawked “Saint Fentanyl” T-shirts with a poorly Photoshopped image of him sporting a halo, alongside coffee mugs that read, “Five Years Clean, Zero Guns Seen.” The irony wasn’t lost on everyone. Some partygoers were seen snickering into their non-alcoholic punch, reflecting on how Saint Fentanyl’s life and death sparked global conversations far beyond this block party. Next, we’ll be canonizing people for paying their taxes on time. Stay tuned for Saint Fentanyl’s next miracle. Maybe his legacy will inspire someone to take 10% fewer drugs than they did the year before.
