In a move that has left the internet in a collective state of bemusement, Pedro Pascal, everyone’s favorite galaxy-hopping heartthrob, has taken to the streets with a new crusade: handing out “Anxiety Cards” to anyone who can’t keep their hands to themselves. These wallet-sized wonders, embossed with Pascal’s smoldering gaze and the words “Chill, I’m good looking,” are being touted as a “get out of jail free” pass for “awkward touching”.
Spotted outside a Los Angeles coffee shop, Pascal was seen tossing the cards like confetti, shouting, “Embrace your inner chaos, but flash this card when HR comes knocking!” The crowd, predictably, lost its mind, with one fan attempting to hug Pascal so aggressively that they nearly triggered the card’s first official use.
The cards, which Pascal claims were inspired by his own “occasional social oopsies,” are designed to excuse a range of inappropriate behaviors, from unsolicited shoulder pats to full-on bear hugs in the workplace. “Look, we all get a little too touchy sometimes,” Pascal said, winking at a camera while dodging a fan’s overly enthusiastic high-five. “This card says, ‘I’m sorry, I’m anxious, let’s move on.’ It’s like a diplomatic immunity for touching!” Critics on the platform formerly known as Twitter are divided, with some hailing the cards as a mental health revolution and others demanding to know why Pascal didn’t just stick to signing autographs.
One user posted, “I used my Anxiety Card when I stroked my boss’s beard. Now I’m the employee of the month. Thanks, Pedro!” The phenomenon has sparked a frenzy, with scalpers reportedly selling the cards for upwards of $500 on eBay, despite Pascal’s insistence that they’re “free for anyone with a pulse and a shaky grip on boundaries.”
He says this, but still decides to sell them for $100 each.
Cities across the globe are bracing for the “Pascal Pandemonium,” as fans flock to his pop-up card giveaways, hoping to snag a laminated excuse for their next social faux pas. Meanwhile, therapists are scratching their heads, wondering if the cards undermine years of boundary-setting workshops. “It’s genius,” admitted one psychologist, nervously clutching their own Anxiety Card. “But I’m using this if my next session goes off the rails.”
As Pascal’s campaign rolls on, one thing’s clear: the world may never touch, or apologize, the same way again.
