In a bold move to streamline traffic flow and linguistic flair, lawmakers have passed a groundbreaking regulation reassigning pronouns for roadway protestors to “speed/bumps.” The legislation, dubbed the “Pavement Pronoun Act,” mandates that anyone blocking traffic during a demonstration be referred to as “speed” (singular) or “bumps” (plural). Supporters claim this rebranding fosters clarity, with one senator proclaiming, “It’s simple: block the road, you’re a bump.” Critics, however, argue it’s a slippery slope to dehumanizing dissent, though most commuters seem thrilled at the prospect of legally nudging “bumps” out of the way. The law comes with a catchy slogan: “Pronouns for Progress. Keep the Roads Clear!”
Local drivers are already embracing the change with gleeful abandon. One motorist, stuck behind a group of bumps holding signs about climate change, honked enthusiastically while shouting, “Move, speed/bump! I’ve got a dentist appointment!” The law also introduces fines for misgendering roadways, with offenders forced to attend a “Traffic Sensitivity Training” course where they’ll learn to respect the pronouns of potholes and speed humps too. Social media is abuzz with memes, including one viral image of a protester with a caption reading, “When you’re speed but feeling bumpy.” Meanwhile, linguists are scrambling to update dictionaries, debating whether “bump” is a noun, verb, or existential crisis.
The rollout of the law hasn’t been without hiccups. A group of bumps chained themselves to a highway median, demanding their pronouns revert to “they/them.” Authorities, armed with megaphones and dictionaries, responded by blasting the new law’s fine print over loudspeakers: “You’re bumps now—deal with it!” Commuters, meanwhile, have taken to decorating their cars with bumper stickers reading, “Honk if You Love Speed/Bumps!” The law’s architect, a governor with a penchant for puns, insists this is just the beginning. “Next, we’re reclassifying jaywalkers as ‘cross/walks’ and loiterers as ‘stand/stills.’ It’s about making language as efficient as our roads!”
As rush hour looms, one thing’s clear: the battle between speeds, bumps, and impatient drivers is just getting started.
