In a stunning turn of events that has left ornithologists scratching their heads and backyard feeders abandoned, a confidential memo has surfaced declaring all avian creatures to be elaborate hoaxes designed solely for covert observation.

According to the document, these supposed winged wonders are nothing more than high-tech drones cloaked in feathers, equipped with tiny cameras and microphones to monitor everyday activities from treetops and power lines. The memo details how pigeons in city parks aren’t just scavenging for crumbs but are actually relaying data on pedestrian traffic patterns.

Mind you, this is happening while majestic eagles soaring overhead capture aerial footage of unsuspecting hikers. This revelation explains those eerie moments when a crow seems to stare right through you, as if judging your choice of outfit or secretly noting your recycling habits.

The implications of this disclosure ripple through society like a flock taking flight in unison, prompting questions about who, or what, is pulling the strings behind this feathered espionage network. Imagine the horror of realizing that the cheerful robin building a nest in your garden is actually installing a listening device, or that the flock of geese honking across the sky is coordinating a synchronized surveillance sweep.

The memo suggests these agents have been operational for decades, blending seamlessly into nature with programmed behaviors like migration patterns that double as data transfer routes. No longer can we trust the dawn chorus as a natural symphony; it’s now suspected to be encrypted signals exchanging intel on human breakfast routines.

As communities grapple with this airborne betrayal, calls for action include demands to ground all suspicious sparrows and interrogate seagulls loitering near beaches. The memo warns of potential upgrades, where future models might include laser-guided beaks for precision targeting. In the meantime, citizens are advised to wear tinfoil hats outdoors. Not for aliens, but to scramble the signals from these impostor birds circling above, ever watchful and unflinchingly fake.