In a cosmic cage match that had angels placing bets and saints chugging celestial Gatorade, Hulk Hogan, the legendary mustachioed muscleman, body-slammed his way to victory in the Intergalactic Wrestling Competition held in the pearly arenas of heaven. The event, broadcast across the universe on NebulaFlix, saw Hogan, sporting his signature bandana and a halo that suspiciously resembled a championship belt, take on a roster of extraterrestrial grapplers. From a tentacled Martian who tried to submission-hold him with slime to a Venusian with a penchant for illegal laser claws, Hogan ripped his shirt off (to the delight of cherubim fans) and delivered his Atomic Leg Drop to secure humanity’s bragging rights. “Brother, I told those space freaks to say their prayers and eat their vitamins!” Hogan bellowed, as a choir of seraphim chanted, “Hulk-a-mania runs wild!”
The competition wasn’t without controversy, as Hogan’s opponents accused him of using divine intervention to juice up his biceps, claiming the Almighty Himself was spotted in the crowd flexing in solidarity. One disgruntled Andromedan wrestler, still nursing a bruised ego and a crushed exoskeleton, whined that Hogan’s entrance music. Blaring “Sweet Child O’ Mine” on a loop was a psychological weapon banned under Galactic Grapple Code 47. Meanwhile, heavenly commentators couldn’t stop giggling over Hogan’s mid-match snack break, where he chowed down on ambrosia protein bars while trash-talking a Plutonian in a sparkly unitard. “This is for Earth, brother!” Hogan roared, pile-driving his final opponent into a cloud, sending shockwaves through the cosmos and earning humanity a shiny, star-encrusted trophy that now sits proudly next to the Pearly Gates.
Post-match, Hogan celebrated by leading a conga line of apostles and asteroids, with rumors swirling that he’s already signed up for next year’s tournament, dubbed “Rumble in the Rapture.” Fans on Earth, blissfully unaware of their cosmic champion, reportedly felt an inexplicable urge to flex in mirrors and tear their shirts in half. Heavenly officials, however, are scrambling to address complaints from a grumpy meteorite who claims Hogan’s victory was rigged by “too much human charisma.” As for Hogan, he’s already planning his victory parade, promising to surf a comet back to Earth to hand out autographed halos. “Whatcha gonna do when Hulk-a-mania saves humanity for you?” he shouted, as a flock of doves formed a heart-shaped constellation overhead.
