In a moment of unexpected honesty during a campus town hall, the college dean spilled the beans on higher education’s best-kept secret, declaring that those cherished diplomas are nothing more than elaborately decorated promissory notes for a lifetime of loan repayments.

With a shrug and a sip from his branded university mug, he explained how years of lectures and exams boil down to fancy calligraphy on thick paper, designed to impress employers just long enough to secure jobs that barely cover the interest. Students in attendance nodded knowingly, their eyes glazing over like they do in economics class, as the dean joked that the real major should be in financial regret.

The admission came amid rising tuition costs that could fund small nations, with the dean admitting that the system thrives on turning bright-eyed freshmen into indentured scholars buried under mountains of debt. He chuckled while suggesting alternative uses for the degrees, like framing them as motivational posters reminding graduates of their monthly payments, or even as coasters for overpriced campus coffee. Faculty members shifted uncomfortably, perhaps realizing their own parchments were equally ornamental, while the dean proposed a new slogan: “Invest in knowledge, pay forever.”

As word spreads, prospective students are rethinking applications, opting instead for DIY enlightenment via library cards and free online tutorials that don’t come with a side of bankruptcy. The dean, unfazed, wrapped up by noting that at least the paper is recyclable, offering a green twist to the whole charade.

If this revelation sticks, commencement ceremonies might soon feature debt counselors instead of speakers, turning cap tosses into symbolic flings of financial burdens.