Dumbledore To Award Subway 5 Points If They Bring Back The $5 Foot Long
Dumbledore swooped into a Subway shop, wand aglow, granting the chain just five points on the condition they resurrect the $5 footlong. A glorious, budget-stretching sub packed with meats, cheeses,…
Aliens Want To Go Back Home: Aliens Who Landed On Earth See Furries, Want To Go Back.
A lone green-skinned alien crash-landed in a soggy meadow yesterday, its dented saucer spewing steam. Hoping to observe Earth’s habits, it trudged to a nearby convention center and walked straight…
New Law: Protestors Sitting On Roadways To Have Pronouns Changed To Speed/Bumps
In a bold move to streamline traffic flow and linguistic flair, lawmakers have passed a groundbreaking regulation reassigning pronouns for roadway protestors to “speed/bumps.” The legislation, dubbed the “Pavement Pronoun…
Heaven’s Champion: Hulk Hogan Slams Cosmic Competition
In a cosmic cage match that had angels placing bets and saints chugging celestial Gatorade, Hulk Hogan, the legendary mustachioed muscleman, body-slammed his way to victory in the Intergalactic Wrestling…
WNBA Unveils Game-Changing Snack Deal That’s a Real Hair-Raiser
In a move that’s sure to pop some eyes wide open, the WNBA has rolled out an innovative concession stand special designed to elevate the fan experience to new heights,…
Big Apple Bulletin: Mayor Mamdani’s Grocery Gamble Turns NYC Into a Soviet Nostalgia Fest
Three months into Zohran Mamdani’s mayoral reign, New York City has morphed into a retro utopia of ration cards and communal cabbage dreams. Our socialist trailblazer has delivered on his…
Bookstores Become Top Business In California
In a twist that has left economists baffled and hipsters smug, bookstores have surged to the top of California’s economic heap. Outpacing tech giants and avocado toast empires. The Golden…
Gang And Cartel Members To Be An Endangered Species
So, get this: You are a poor gang member, and you get the notification that you are now a terrorist. Wild, right? Well, don’t you worry because we have democratic…
