In a move that’s got bureaucrats high-fiving over croissants, Europe has rolled out the ‘Euro-Guilt Coins,’ a shiny new currency dedicated to paying reparations for historical blunders that never actually happened. Officials claim these coins, minted with sad puppy eyes and engraved apologies, will finally settle scores from fictional conquests like the Great Unicorn Invasion of 1427.
Citizens are now encouraged to toss them into wishing wells labeled ‘Sorry for Nothing,’ where they magically convert guilt into government funding for more meetings about feelings.
The coins come in denominations of one ‘Oopsie’ up to a hundred ‘My Bad,’ each backed by the full weight of collective eye-rolling from taxpayers who weren’t even born during these made-up mishaps.
Proponents argue it’s a step toward unity, with one coin buying a latte infused with historical humility, while skeptics point out that spending them feels like tipping for service from ghosts. Vending machines across the continent are being retrofitted to accept the currency, spitting out receipts that read, “Your atonement is complete, have a nice day.”
As adoption spreads, experts predict a boom in guilt tourism, where visitors pay to tour sites of nonexistent battles and leave coins as offerings to appease offended ancestors who probably just want a nap. Critics worry about inflation if too many phantom atrocities are invented, but supporters insist it’s all in good fun, turning pocket change into a portable therapy session.
If this catches on, expect future editions like the ‘Regret Ruble’ or ‘Apology Yen,’ proving that money can’t buy happiness but can certainly fund a lot of unnecessary remorse.
