In a bold move straight out of a medieval fever dream, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has announced its latest initiative: the ICE Templars program. Starting next month, agents will reportedly swap their standard uniforms for full-on Knights Templar armor, complete with chainmail, breastplates, and those pointy helmets that scream, “I’m here for the crusades…but for border security!”
The reasoning? Protection against rocks hurled by American citizens helping invaders. “Rocks are no joke,” said an agency spokesperson, polishing a gleaming steel gauntlet. “Our agents deserve the best defense, and nothing says ‘don’t mess with me’ like a suit of armor forged in the fires of the 12th century.”
The program, dubbed “Operation Holy Shield,” aims to make agents impervious to pebbles, stones, and the occasional rogue grapefruit.
The decision to outfit agents in Templar-style gear came after what officials call “an alarming uptick in rock-related incidents.” Sources claim the armor, weighing in at a svelte 70 pounds, will not only deflect projectiles but also “send a powerful visual message.” One agent, struggling to walk under the weight of a test suit, was overheard muttering, “This is ridiculous, but I do feel oddly invincible.” Critics, however, argue the move is less about safety and more about intimidating optics, comparing the armored agents to a Lord of the Rings cosplay gone terribly wrong. Undeterred, ICE insists the armor’s historical flair will “restore a sense of chivalric honor to border enforcement,” though they’ve yet to address how agents will chase anyone down while clanking like a kitchen drawer full of cutlery.
Public reaction has been a mix of confusion and amusement, with local vendors already selling “ICE Templar” action figures complete with tiny plastic broadswords. Meanwhile, training sessions have reportedly been chaotic, as agents adjust to wielding batons through armored gauntlets and shouting commands through visored helmets. “It’s hard to enunciate ‘stop right there’ when your face is trapped in a metal bucket,” one trainee admitted. The agency is also exploring the addition of warhorses to the program, though budget constraints may limit them to armored golf carts for now.
As the rollout approaches, one thing is clear: the border is about to get a whole lot shinier, and significantly louder.
